Dealing with Setbacks

I will be posting an update within the next week, going over my last few weeks of post-op life. Right now, though, I wanted to share a blog I wrote for a challenge. I have signed up for a Biggest Loser's Challenge on SparkPeople.com, my first one ever, and each week there are different challenges. I spent a good amount of time thinking about what to write, and writing it, and figured what better place to share this than my blog?

"This week, practice letting go of negative thinking by reflecting on a recent setback or mental barrier that you broke through, determine what you learned from it, and then write a blog about it."

I thought about this off and on all week, trying to come up with a decent subject to write a blog about. When I think of recent setbacks, I could say getting over the fear of having my surgery, or getting off my behind and getting active when it was easier to be lazy. The things that continue to stick in my mind, however, are mainly the events of the last year, but even the several years prior to that that led me to the decision of having WLS.

Over the years, I've known I needed to get my body under my control. When I was younger, I may not have known that specifically, but I knew I was heavier than everyone else (or so it seemed), and I didn't want to be. I dieted, tried pills, and points. After WW one year, I lost 30lbs in about a month and a half... after, I don't know what happened.  I don't know why I didn't stick with it, or why my mind didn't "click" and say- keep going! A few years ago, after giving it what I thought was a "good go" at eating right and trying to exercise, I lost nothing. I felt completely defeated, and fell right back into my old habits, like I always had. Looking back now, I think I just wasn't ready. Maybe I was lazy, maybe I was not educated enough on being healthy. I do know that I clearly lacked the drive to REALLY make the necessary changes, and likely even the true desire.

My decision to have weight loss surgery was not one that happened over night. In fact, it took over 3 years, lots of research, many discussions, and even more research. My struggle with my weight has gone on much longer, though. It took me many failed diets, frustration, tears, and acceptance that if I don’t do something to change that I will have many unwanted problems in the future.

It wasn't until this time last year (actually these next couple of days are exactly a year!) that I finally made the decision that changed my life. When I finally set my mind to it, and put the plan into motion, my outlook changed. I was ready. I was ready to learn, ready to take in everything I could, and ready to CHANGE. I believe I've done just that. I overcame whatever many reasons were holding me back... fear, the idea that I wasn't strong enough. the idea that my hard work wouldn't pay off, and any other nagging voices in my head telling me I "can't". I CAN, I DID, I AM, and I WILL.

I've learned that I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for, and that hard work does pay off. I've learned the unknown isn't always something to fear, sometimes it's exciting, and refreshing. I've learned not to give up for any reason, if this is what I really want, I will find a way. I've learned all the set backs, all the times I've failed, all the feelings of defeat, all the tears, all the frustration... it all lead me to where I am today. And today I am excited for my more healthy and active future.

Painful Awakening

I woke up at 11:30am, to a pain in my back. At first, I thought maybe I had slept wrong, and it would go away with a little time. As I laid there for a few minutes, I realized it wasn't that kind of pain. It was in my lower right back area, though dull in the surrounding area. I drank a little water, then got up to use the restroom, and when I got up, I was like oh crap, don't feel well. The pain was getting worse. My initial thought was something was wrong with my sleeve, but realized there wasn't pain when I swallowed the water and I didn't have pain in my belly area. By the time I had put in my contacts, I felt a little nauseous, weak and light headed/dizzy and was in a horrible amount of pain. My parents were in their room, so I went there thinking it was better to pass out in front of someone if it was going to happen! I laid down, and told them something was wrong, and the pain just kept increasing. My dad said I looked really pale, and they decided to get the Kaiser nurse line on the phone. My mom was thinking I had a kidney stone because of the location and because the pain was constant. I just laid there, trying to breath, and relax (ha, real easy). Then, the pain started to get a little less in my back, but really strong my right ovary (the only place I would imagine it would be). I remembered in May, when I was visiting my husband, I had experienced some pain in that area during my cycle, but I didn't remember it being more than half of what I was experiencing now. Then it hit me- that stupid f*cking IUD. What else could it be?! I'm still within 6 months, which is when all the crazy crap is more likely to happen. So, I'm laying there in agony and on a heating pad, and then it starts diminishing (after about 30 minutes). By the time I speak with the nurse, the pain was nearly gone. She, of course, told me to monitor the pain, those symptoms sound like they are due to the IUD, and if any new symptoms arise, to call back or go in.

I was pain free for about 30 minutes. I decided to get up, walk a little, use the restroom, try to relax. That didn't last for long before it returned, this time a little less focused on my back (but still present), and more focused on my right ovary. I try to lay in different positions, move the heating pad, ugh. Nothing helped. Finally, I ask my dad to bring me some liquid vicodin. I take 1 tsp of the 2 he gives me, and within a minute I'm throwing up (which wasn't much since that's all I had in my stomach). I was pissed- I couldn't even get some pain relief! All I could think was thank goodness this didn't happen closer to my surgery because that would have hurt so bad! I don’t know if I threw up because of the pain, or because I took the vicodin on an empty stomach.  I lay back down, and the pain lasted this time for about 45 minutes. Afterwards, I was exhausted. I figured maybe if I could fall asleep, it wouldn't bother me. I slept from about 2:30pm-6pm. I was so afraid to drink anything again, but eventually I had a little water. I kept it down fine, so I drank more water, and eventually had half a protein shake because I knew I had to try to get in some protein. My mom kept telling me I needed to eat something, and I didn't even want to think about eating anything (who wants to eat after vomiting?!). I'm working on my second half of protein shake right now, so I will have 30g protein for the day.

The pain was seriously worse than my surgery. I was miserable. I haven't had any more pain, thank goodness, but I'm so afraid it will return. I hope this isn't what I can expect each month now. =/ I'm thankful that it doesn't seem to be an issue with my sleeve, because I was really scared for awhile there. I'll be calling my OB on Monday, and hope it's nothing serious (and nothing that will happen again!)